after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
