I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
