I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Actions speak louder than pants.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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