At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
