I'm so fucking centered right now
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
