Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
