upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
