I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
where does the pee come out of this thing
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
