Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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