so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
