We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
