Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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