We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
