I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
