look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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