So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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