I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
