I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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