I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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