Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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