Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Jerry, you need to find god
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
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