I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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