I wish my penis had an off switch
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
