When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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