i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she looked like the before picture.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
