Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
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