So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
