I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
