I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
