i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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