my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
