My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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