dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
you never un-have a 4some
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
