Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Your cock deserves a montage
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
