dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
