I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
