So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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