Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
