dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
