Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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