Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
