she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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