did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
