your parents love me but you hate me
I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
