she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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