Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
