The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
