He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
