A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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