Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Dignity is for republicans.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Randomize
